Archive for the 'Random Thoughts...' Category
“THE ABILITY TO MAKE AND UNDERSTAND PUNS IS THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF LANGUAGE DEVELOPMENT”
Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, Dam!
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it immediately sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies “Yes, I’m positive.”
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said,” I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
7. A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him Juan.” Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re identical twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition
was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most Vicious thug in town to persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so; thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent Florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
I’m writing this on Sunday night at 9:45pm. While sitting on the couch holding my sleeping baby, my wife Camille showed me a photo album of us when we went on our first cruise with some close friends.
That was “many moons ago” back in 1995 B.C. (Before Children)
Dang… We looked GOOD!
While looking at the album, I also came across a picture that I had forgotten about but had a MAJOR impact on my life.
In fact, this is when I ‘caught the eBay bug’.
Here’s the picture…
Although I joined eBay back in May 1999, I mostly used it for buying stuff, not for selling.
One day Camille & I were at a local closeout-store. I spotted a big display of computer books selling for $7 each. These all had price tags $39 and up! Since I have bought a lot of computer books in my time I knew how valuable these were.
So I picked out a dozen as an experiment to see if they would sell on eBay.
Wow! They sold AWESOME!
I averaged about $20 PROFIT for each $7 book. How’s that for a sweet profit!
Well I immediately went to five different locations of this closeout store and cherry picked about 200 of the best titles.
By the time I sold the books I had made about $5,000 profit. That included profit made from shipping/handling, & insurance.
(What? You’re NOT making money with insurance and S/H? Then you are losing out on A TON of money. I explain it all here)
My success with selling these books is the experience that got my brain thinking: “Man Mike, if you were to do this full-time you would work from home and make mucho dinero!”
At that time I was doing computer software consulting. I loved the work, the pay, the easy commute, and the people I was working with. The plus side of consulting was I got paid VERY well but had no politics to deal with since I was a “neutral”. The negative side is that you have no job security.
Once it got to the point that I was commuting 3.5+ hours a day, it was time to change. I was leaving the house at 6am and getting back at 6pm.
One Friday while sitting in bumper to bumper traffic I decided enough was enough. I WAS going to sell full time on eBay.
My book experience is what gave me the confidence to make that leap.
The moral of the story?
Small successes lead to BIG successes.
Many people feel that they need to step up to the plate and hit a grand-slam the first time.
That’s not true or realistic.
You simply have to be willing to accept a few strike-outs until you hit your first couple of singles.
Of course, the smart thing is to hire a batting coach to help you start getting hits as soon as possible.
So don’t give up and don’t expect to make huge things happen overnight.
Simply do what you can to “learn the ropes”, and keep at it long enough to start getting some hits.
If you do, pretty soon you’ll start scoring the runs!
The idea for this column came from a reader (and friend met at eBay LIVE) Orrin Adler.
You have to try this out. It’s cool and scary at the same time.
Go to Google.com and search on your phone number. Type all 10 digits, no spaces or dashes necessary (like 5084342999)
Google will then come back with your name and address. You can click on Yahoo Maps, or MapQuest to get a map to get there.
Now hopefully, if your number is unlisted it should NOT show up. If it does, please let me know.
What isn’t mentioned on the page is that you have the option of removing this info from Google.
To get your info removed, do the following:
1. Click on the link the says “Phonebook results for 5084342999″
2. You should now see a link saying “Phonebook Removal Tool”. I noticed that if the street address is not shown, but only the town then this option does not appear. If that happens to you, you can click here to get to the removal page.
When you think logically about this, it really isn’t a big deal. All this information is in the public domain.
Still, I just keep seeing this image of some wacko in a goalie mask carrying a machete in one hand, and a wireless laptop in the other using Google to locate his victims. (Hey… this is a RANDOM Thought column)
Sure, they can now easily get a map to your front door, but.. It’s not like someone can see your house and it’s surroundings. You know, to plan an escape route or look for a place to hide your dead body.
Or Can They?? (< -- Note: Insert SCARY Music here)
Want to see some satellite pictures of your house?
Imagine the detail in the military’s classified imagery!
Just read in this month’s Reader’s Digest about a man that used the internet to steal the identities of rich and famous people from Fortune Magazine’s Top 400 list. He stole over $200 million from just one person. Was on his way to a BILLION when he got busted.
Hey, I love the internet, but sometimes you just have to stop and think about the long term ramifications!
Do you put a padlock on your zipper suitcase when traveling?
This is not allowed anymore in the USA since security measures have gotten so strict.
Still, A friend of mine that works for customs in San Jose, Costa Rica taught me this trick.
If you have a plastic zipper on your suitcase, all it takes is a “BIC” pen to break in (undetected) EVEN when it is locked. Simply place the tip of the pen in the middle between the 2 zipper tracks. Then smash your fist into the back of the pen. It will separate the zipper and you can freely see what what is inside. When done, simply run the zipper up and down to reseal it.
No-one call tell that the bag has been opened.
The moral of the story is to buy a suitcase with a metal zipper